Taking one off the bucket list

Going to see Roger Waters perform "The Wall" live this Friday.  I don't think I have ever been this excited about a concert.  It's like being 8 and trying to fall asleep on Christmas Eve!!

And just for a smile

Best video of the day. If you don't like this, you are a robot.

Herbie, Fully Loaded

Today I am reminded once again that I am quite fortunate.
http://www.forkparty.com/woman-run-over-by-her-own-car-twice/
Obviously she was not very kind to her car.  Maybe rode the clutch too much, or seldom washed it.  Whatever she did, that car was pissed.  Also, I was fortunate enough to watch about 10 minutes of "Sarah Palin's Alaska" the other night.  I can safely say that it is one of the worst TV shows ever.  It seems to me to be thinly veiled political rhetoric.  Basically a campaign ad that runs weekly on TLC Sunday nights at 9/8 central.  Really the only redeeming quality is the irony of it being aired on a channel called "The Learning Channel".  I literally felt stupider after watching this pointless dribble.  It really is quite remarkable that a woman who supported aerial hunting of wolves and ran with a mantra of "Drill baby drill" can actually be trying to position herself as a proponent of Alaska's majestic and diverse ecosystem.  This is like Strom Thurmond hosting a show on racial equality.  What is amazing is that given the short attention span of most people these days, and the hypnotic control the media has over a huge portion of this country, that concept is not far fetched.  Granted, of course, we find a way to raise his hate-filled corpse from the grave.

It is days like this that I am filled with the urge to join the political fray and see if I can add some sanity to an otherwise insane system.  But my rational mind is telling me that modern politics is a dying sport being supplanted by viral movements and the modern media monster.  A technological David and Goliath.  Lets hope and pray for some biblical consistency and watch the common man topple the monumental force of Fox News, CNN, MSNBC and the like.  Or, more accurately and infinitely more insurmountable, Viacom, GE, NewsCorp, Walt Disney, CBS, and Time Warner.  These six companies control almost everything we see and hear.  Radio, TV, movies, billboards, advertising, newspapers, magazines, websites, books, you name it, they own it, censor it, and edit it to fit the corporate objective.  Not trying to sound like a paranoid conspiracy theorist, but we are feeling ever closer and closer to 1984 or Fahrenheit 451 or whatever dystopian nightmare scares you the most.

Leslie Nielsen, you will be missed

Today is a sad day for anyone with a sense of humor.  Leslie Nielsen died at the tender age of 84.  The man who brought us such great films as "Airplane" and the Naked Gun trilogy had a unique style of humor and never failed to make me laugh.  Maybe I liked him so much because we share the same birthday.  But most likely it is because he was a comedic genius who brought happiness and joy to everything he touched.  So here are some of the best clips from Airplane and The Naked Gun.  You may ask, "Surely you can't be serious"  To which I reply, "I am serious.  And don't call me Shirley."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcKJdmXbBBc

Untitled

Hands pressed together
warm skin on warm skin
with grooves of each print
fitting like bark to wood

The moon rises over the trees
scattering light across the dancing grass
like laughter skipping over water
it splashes against the window pane

Inside the walls are bare
signaling another change
The back room is kept locked
closed to the new tenant.

Never a dull moment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_Op4Nnokhk

So North Korea decided to fire some artillery into South Korea.  With tensions already high with the imminent accession of Kim Jong Il's son, Kim Jong-un, as well as the recent sinking of a South Korean ship which claimed over 100 lives, this new development scares the shit out of me.  What is wrong with this world?  This is obviously some military posturing to show that Kim Jong-un is a man to lead the hardline military regime of North Korea.  Maybe they gave him the keys to the ship the other day and told him to go out and cut his teeth on something.  Whatever the case, this is something that reminds me that mankind is his own worst enemy.  We never stop finding new and improved ways to kill each other.  And this kid will very soon have his hand on the nuclear controls of at least a handful of ICBMs.  And they are showing no signs of slowing down.  A recent US scientist on a visit to N Korea was given a brief tour of a new enrichment facility.  That was definitely not on his initial itinerary.  Obviously N Korea is telling the rest of the world that they have no intention to continue nuclear disarmament talks and are in fact, hellbent on creating even more weapons.  Someone should send them a copy of Dr. Strangelove since it most definitely is banned there. 

No real point to make on this.  I think it speaks for itself.  It is really fucking scary. 

Ameliorate

I have found it very interesting how life is so completely out of your control while at the same time you have suck a tremendous impact on the course you take.  Where I am today could not have been orchestrated.  Could not have been planned.  But it is only through my actions, my conscious effort to do this or not do that, that I have arrived here.  On the surface I feel like this is a very obvious and boring statement.  Obviously we "drive" the course of our life.  And obviously there are factors that are completely out of your control and it is just a matter of taking what is given and rolling with the punches.  And it seems, like a fly caught in a spider's web, the more you struggle and fight, the more life traps you.  I'm not saying you should just lay still and accept fate, but sometimes it makes it hard to decide what to do.  And maybe the struggle is worth the gamble.  I guess the spider web analogy isn't all that iron clad.  I mean, it applies to fighting against the inevitable, but there seems to be a current that you can ride and maneuver.  And that is where I am today.  Where am I going to steer myself?  I have spent the last 6 weeks or so putting a lot of effort into making me a better person and I am definitely feeling good about that.  Good thing since winter is here and we have no goddamn sun anymore.  I need me some sunshine. 

I digress.  As I said, I am faced with where to ride the wave of life.  I have started take steps that I am excited about, but it makes me nervous not to know if I am heading in a direction that I will be able to be a success.  And I am not really talking about monetary.  Emotional success, maybe?  Empathetic success?  Not sure how to describe it.  I feel like I am missing a word that I should know.  And this all isn't to say that I feel like I have not achieved anything in my life.  I know I have.  And I have had what seems to be a positive impact on a lot of people.  Hopefully they would agree with me.  But at the end of the day, that is all I really want.  I want to know that I left the world a better place than when I entered it.  And I do that in little ways all the time, but I feel like there should be something more substantial.  That is why I have been very active in pursuing an MBA lately.  This would be something that I could use to have a profound impact. It would give me the tools to start a non-profit and actually run it successfully.  Or join a company and impact it in a positive way.  But, most importantly, before I form a plan, I better start taking some actual steps otherwise I will never get anywhere and find that I squandered my life. 

no title

My mother once told me, "ultimately, we are all alone."  I always felt like that was a very depressing statement.  But I am starting to grasp just what she was trying to to tell me.  Obviously we interact with people all day.  We impact their lives.  They impact ours.  We form bonds.  They break.  People hurt you.  You  hurt them.  On and on.  But what she really meant, I think, is that there is no "us".  When push comes to shove, it is just me, and me alone.  No matter how close you think you are to someone, there is always that potential for them to move away.  Lovers leave, friends grow distant, marriages crumble, nothing is constant except for your solitude.  And finding peace with that is liberating, not depressing.  It allows you to move forward, emotionally unfettered.  It gives you the power to control your life, your happiness.  Once you place that power in another person's hands, you are set up for failure.  I'm not saying to be distant, not to form those close emotional connections, but it is important to always maintain independence.  I have been close to making this mistake recently.  But through the severe emotional betrayal I am able to stand up from the blow, dust myself off, and see that I am still me.  I am whole and I am stronger from it.  If anything, the person who hurt me lost something.  They may not agree, but for me, I know what I gave and that I am proud of what I did.  I can't ask myself for any more.  It is disappointing, yes.  I thought that I had found that "someone" that people are all looking for.  But with no reciprocation, it is an empty love, I guess.  Maybe not empty, but most definitely incomplete.  And the hope for something better is pretty amazing.  I do love giving my love but apparently I have not received it completely yet.  If I could be as happy as I was with an "incomplete love" then how amazing must it be when that circle is truly created.  I may be kind of contradicting my earlier topic in this long rambling paragraph.

Happy alone

Staggering down the hall -
a bloody handprint marks my decent
with sin training its beady eyes
on my chest. Hold your breath.
Squeeze.

The blurriness breaks with light
splintering into my new found faith
flutter.  blink.  stammer. gasp.
Brimming with joy over the pain
as realization sets foot.

The hall ends in a room
with open walls.

Bright Eyes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qikRcAiCtKM&feature=player_embedded#!

I have been listening to a lot of music lately.  I feel like I have let myself go flat over the last few years.  Not sure how or why.  It just seems that in my struggles I had lost sight of some things.  I lost a lot of what made me, me.  Not sure what else to make of that.  So, in the midst of these last few weeks of sadness, despondency, and anger, I have been forced to climb out of the hole I had dug.  Maybe the change had already started and that is why I am finding it somewhat easy.  I actually think this change started some months back, but that is not really important.  What is important is that good things are afoot.  Or something like that. 

I've been mulling over a lot of things I want to try.  I was looking at flying lessons.  Might be foolish since I am afraid of flying, but I think I would enjoy it.  And skydiving.  Surfing.  Kite surfing.  Scuba diving.  Apparently I want it to be summer again.  I should move somewhere warmer.  Oh, and kayaking.  White water kayaking.  I wonder how much I need to save to move to Costa Rica for a year.  Can't be too much.  Maybe I could just cash in my 401k and roll.  I bet Mr. Darcy would like to go tropical.  I could get him some small feline scuba gear. 

Cee-Lo, I love you!

The Sniffles

I have them :(...

Bad Religion

Not sure what else to say.  I'm psyched to go see them. I guess I would be happier if they were playing with Pennywise or Social D.  But that would just be ludicrous.  I used to listen to so much punk when I was younger.  I'm not sure when I stopped, but I most definitely don't have it in my playlist like I used to.  I guess that's to be expected.  As I get older my musical taste become more refined and classy.  Thus my penchant for gangsta rap.  Sometimes I don't don't know what I am thinking when I put on music and like it.  It really makes no sense at all.  I did come home the other night, it was about 4am, and I put on Pink Floyd's The Final Cut and lay in bed for about an hour just enjoying it.  I sat in rapt amusement, just listening to the depth of each word, each note, and let it fill me.  Sometimes I forget how powerful music is.  With so many senses being constantly assaulted, I find it harder and harder to focus in on most simple pleasures.

I have this worry that we are becoming so desensitized by technology and the overwhelming need to have constant stimulation.  This exponential growth is simple unsustainable.  There is some event on the horizon.  I don't know what.  The pessimist in me is whispering some cataclysm.  But most of me would like to think there is some mass epiphany.  A global shift of consciousness.  But what could bring about such a change.  That is what worries me.  People really tend to react only to crisis.  It is just becoming harder and harder to have faith in my fellow man.  I am ever impressed with human ingenuity, art, creativity, science, technology, but I just know so many negative people, it makes me wonder.

Or maybe I am just being a little overly dramatic.  I do know that I have one recourse, whether things are good or things are bad.  I need to be the best person I can.  I need to exact a positive change in this world. After all, "the ocean is made up of drops" - Mother Theresa. She may not have come up with the phrase but I'll credit her since she is who I remember saying it.  There is something liberating in insignificance.

On a side note, I just signed up for some yoga classes.  I have always resisted this for fear of being labeled a yuppie or something like that.  But I am in this "try new things" kick and it seemed like the thing to do.  Also, I could only benefit from being more lithe and limber.  That, and I could use some meditation practice.  When I was first dealing with panic attacks, I did a lot of meditating.  Over the last 8 or so years I have become less centered in some ways and need to reconnect with my self.  A little introspection never hurt anyone.  

Benign

walking with myself.  happy in my own mind, separated from me, looking down in disbelief.
The smell of autumn mixed with the sounds of the city bring me back to earth
with the sun dropping lazily to the skyline, earlier every day, pushing toward winter.
I feel myself slipping into old routines of movies and books waiting for spring's relief.

Mornings are the worst.  Cold frost skipping playfully around the rim of my glass
reminding me of how long the sun has been absent as it dances the planets girth.
When it does finally crests, the rays feel helpless and its warmth breaks and splinters.
Gray white and black dominate the color palate like a dark omen that will pass.

No man is an island

Thomas Merton wrote a book called no man is an island.  I read it while I was sitting in a county jail for 6 months.  Plenty of time to contemplate.  One thing I came to realize is that life is always changing.  It is illusory by nature.  You look at it from one angle, understand what you see, and then it changes.  It is as if our cognizance of our own reality is mocking us, reminding us that we actually are not at all aware of what we are seeing.  We piece together understanding based on what others do, say, don't say, and don't do.  All the while, we don't even know what we are going to do or say.  It is a constant game of hide and seek, always one step behind.  But ever eager to catch the prize. 

If people can be relied upon for one thing, it is inconsistency.  Sure, they can be predicted based on their current trajectory, but if we are all always struggling to understand what is going on, how we fit it, what is going to give us meaning, doesn't that mean that at any point you can alter your course?  And those around you who were watching stand stunned by that deviation, only because they were not able to quite predict that particular facet of their day.  And then they translate, react, adapt, and cause those around them to react and so on in a constant dance of human interaction.  So perhaps no man can be an island unto himself.  But ultimately, ever person is only given their own mind, their own future,  lives according to their unique perspective and experience.  Almost as if we are not islands, but rather rafts afloat in a sea of discord, meekly paddling with our hands, barely able to alter the course as we are buffeted around by the waves.  But no matter how hard the waters push and pull, the raft can't sink.  And if you paddle hard enough, you do exact a change.  You can't fight the storm, but you can ride it.  And that is what I am doing.  And the harder I paddle, the more momentum I gain.  And for now, I don't quite know where I am paddling, but I am enjoying the challenge.

I have noticed that little things affect me more now that I am paying more attention to myself.  I have been dealing with some self esteem issues, as one naturally does when they go through a break up.  Today I shaved my head and my beard and noticed a very marked change in my appearance.  It gave me a confidence that I had been lacking for some time.  The last time i had my face shaved, I was pretty overweight and I hated the way I looked.  Today, I had the opposite reaction.  I was pleased with myself.  Saw results from my new-found motivation to exercise regularly.  It's the same as me taking more time to write and read now.  I have noticed myself having more clear, concise thoughts.  My writing has improved (minus the dribble I pour out here) and I find myself jotting things down rather than just ignoring the thoughts as they come into my wandering mind.  All of this reminds me that I am good.  And goddammit, it just keeps getting better despite a broken heart.  

Once more into the breach

Dark swearing eyes stared back at me.  My questions bounced off like hail on an aluminum roof.  Nothing penetrated despite the din.  The audible frustration made me wince and with that, my blood was in the water.  Circling around with louder shouts, I had no armor to repel the assault.  Trapped inside my own logic, I had no answer for the barrage.  Quitting the room, I looked back with insulted regret.  Given another chance I would have held my own.  It only this.  If only that.  The same story, I am unable to draw blood consciously.  Passive, hoping my whisper will one day penetrate the bedlam that invariably ensues.

Walking down the hall, doors open in to caverns inhabited by cabals, feeding into my paranoia.  I tread gingerly hoping to avoid casting my shadow across the crack in the door for fear of drawing attention.  But always it follows one step behind me, mocking my efforts to elude.  But at last I reach my own door, managing to obviate the dangers between, I can feel relief washing over with a restless surge, almost to the point of discomfort.  My hand feels clammy as I grasp the brass of the knob and turn towards fate.  And before it is ajar, I know you are gone.  The feeling fills my lungs and stretches down past my pelvis to my knees.  And as I crumple, one word bounces off my mind against the cold stone wall staring back at me.

It's a vibrant, wild, muddled world

Sometimes I find myself curious what the world looks like through someone else's eyes.  And obviously not just literally.  I mean, to see, feel, taste and touch the world through another person's experiences, memories, biases, neuroses, etc.  How different that would make everything.  And to somehow temper in your own consciousness so you could be aware of the differences, that would truly be enlightening.  Would red still be red.  Would the warmth of the sun still make my skin tingle? Or would it be more subtle?  I can remember being about 7 or 8, walking home from my neighbors house, as I so often did during the long summer days.  My neighbor, Annie, and I would gallivant through the woods playing innumerable games, battling mythical creatures, building impenetrable tree forts, and all the other accoutrements of a successful summer of youth.  And I have lost where I was going with this. 

To be continued. . .