No man is an island

Thomas Merton wrote a book called no man is an island.  I read it while I was sitting in a county jail for 6 months.  Plenty of time to contemplate.  One thing I came to realize is that life is always changing.  It is illusory by nature.  You look at it from one angle, understand what you see, and then it changes.  It is as if our cognizance of our own reality is mocking us, reminding us that we actually are not at all aware of what we are seeing.  We piece together understanding based on what others do, say, don't say, and don't do.  All the while, we don't even know what we are going to do or say.  It is a constant game of hide and seek, always one step behind.  But ever eager to catch the prize. 

If people can be relied upon for one thing, it is inconsistency.  Sure, they can be predicted based on their current trajectory, but if we are all always struggling to understand what is going on, how we fit it, what is going to give us meaning, doesn't that mean that at any point you can alter your course?  And those around you who were watching stand stunned by that deviation, only because they were not able to quite predict that particular facet of their day.  And then they translate, react, adapt, and cause those around them to react and so on in a constant dance of human interaction.  So perhaps no man can be an island unto himself.  But ultimately, ever person is only given their own mind, their own future,  lives according to their unique perspective and experience.  Almost as if we are not islands, but rather rafts afloat in a sea of discord, meekly paddling with our hands, barely able to alter the course as we are buffeted around by the waves.  But no matter how hard the waters push and pull, the raft can't sink.  And if you paddle hard enough, you do exact a change.  You can't fight the storm, but you can ride it.  And that is what I am doing.  And the harder I paddle, the more momentum I gain.  And for now, I don't quite know where I am paddling, but I am enjoying the challenge.

I have noticed that little things affect me more now that I am paying more attention to myself.  I have been dealing with some self esteem issues, as one naturally does when they go through a break up.  Today I shaved my head and my beard and noticed a very marked change in my appearance.  It gave me a confidence that I had been lacking for some time.  The last time i had my face shaved, I was pretty overweight and I hated the way I looked.  Today, I had the opposite reaction.  I was pleased with myself.  Saw results from my new-found motivation to exercise regularly.  It's the same as me taking more time to write and read now.  I have noticed myself having more clear, concise thoughts.  My writing has improved (minus the dribble I pour out here) and I find myself jotting things down rather than just ignoring the thoughts as they come into my wandering mind.  All of this reminds me that I am good.  And goddammit, it just keeps getting better despite a broken heart.