Ameliorate

I have found it very interesting how life is so completely out of your control while at the same time you have suck a tremendous impact on the course you take.  Where I am today could not have been orchestrated.  Could not have been planned.  But it is only through my actions, my conscious effort to do this or not do that, that I have arrived here.  On the surface I feel like this is a very obvious and boring statement.  Obviously we "drive" the course of our life.  And obviously there are factors that are completely out of your control and it is just a matter of taking what is given and rolling with the punches.  And it seems, like a fly caught in a spider's web, the more you struggle and fight, the more life traps you.  I'm not saying you should just lay still and accept fate, but sometimes it makes it hard to decide what to do.  And maybe the struggle is worth the gamble.  I guess the spider web analogy isn't all that iron clad.  I mean, it applies to fighting against the inevitable, but there seems to be a current that you can ride and maneuver.  And that is where I am today.  Where am I going to steer myself?  I have spent the last 6 weeks or so putting a lot of effort into making me a better person and I am definitely feeling good about that.  Good thing since winter is here and we have no goddamn sun anymore.  I need me some sunshine. 

I digress.  As I said, I am faced with where to ride the wave of life.  I have started take steps that I am excited about, but it makes me nervous not to know if I am heading in a direction that I will be able to be a success.  And I am not really talking about monetary.  Emotional success, maybe?  Empathetic success?  Not sure how to describe it.  I feel like I am missing a word that I should know.  And this all isn't to say that I feel like I have not achieved anything in my life.  I know I have.  And I have had what seems to be a positive impact on a lot of people.  Hopefully they would agree with me.  But at the end of the day, that is all I really want.  I want to know that I left the world a better place than when I entered it.  And I do that in little ways all the time, but I feel like there should be something more substantial.  That is why I have been very active in pursuing an MBA lately.  This would be something that I could use to have a profound impact. It would give me the tools to start a non-profit and actually run it successfully.  Or join a company and impact it in a positive way.  But, most importantly, before I form a plan, I better start taking some actual steps otherwise I will never get anywhere and find that I squandered my life.