Was a time. lost that time. spend my mind. end of the line. lost my shine.
life starts to drain. worms in my brain. sand in my veins. tears in my eyes. love is dry. fear does fly.
hope will die. cringe and bend. torn and rent. whipped and spent. silent defense. broken sense. broken dreams broken promises. strangled screams. smothered desire. buried fire. smolder and spread. winter comes. biding time. break the frost. night is lost.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
3 weeks
It was three weeks ago that I had some very unpleasant news. No need for details. Sometimes people aren't who you anticipate them to be. Something always is there to remind us that humans are walking timebombs. Tick tick tick tick . . . Boom!
And here I am in the aftermath of what felt like at the time, the end of my life. Naturally that is just a knee jerk emotional reaction. Some time has passed and I have had an opportunity to digest and gain perspective. There is an old adage that says "A crisis is an opportunity riding the dangerous wind". I like this. It implies a little more work than the watered down westernized version of "when god closes a door he opens a window." If there is anything I have learned about life in my short tenure on this planet it is that there are no free rides. Sure, you can coast on momentum, but sooner or later you have to start earning your way through pain, sweat, and toil. And right now, I am riding the dangerous wind and seizing that opportunity. Its weird, but I have already accomplished so much in 3 short weeks while dealing some really fucked shit, pardon the coarse vernacular. I am also going to be faced with some more tough decisions very soon. I know this. And I am almost excited by the challenge. I see a transformation coming over myself. Something that others have commented on. It has been a few years since I have actually felt a challenged. Since I have dealt with defeat. Since I have been pushed to achieve.
I was thinking the other day about my mother. A saint of a woman who I dare say has not a mean bone in her body. She has spent the last 10 years keeping in very close contact with a woman who used to be my high school soccer coach, Anna. This woman is severely bi-polar and slightly paranoid schizophrenic and, I might add, very hard to deal with. My mother has made sure to call her all the time. Has lunch with her. helps her through tough times. Talk her down form her manic days and literally helps keep the gun from her hand on the depressive days. And the hard thing is, there is no resolution. This is a battle that will be fought day in and day out. Most people do things, I believe, already understanding that there is a goal in sight. That if they do "this" they can achieve "that". In this case, Anna has no cure and she will deal with this burden for the rest of her life. And my mother has chosen to give a piece of her heart to try and help ease this pain. Now, I am sure there is some satisfaction in knowing that you are doing a good deed and making someones life better, but it is hard for me to grasp the will it takes to knowingly enter a losing battle. And I have seen the frustration on her face many times. And I have even been involved in exchanges that would have tested His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, and I watched my mother stop, collect herself and continue to persevere. Now, I may be biased. She is my mom. But, I do know that after more than a decade of watching her literally bang her head against this wall, it is more than just be having a inflated opinion of the woman who gave me life.
Now you might be asking yourself how I am going to circle around and make this about myself. Well, I guess it is pretty simple. I have a much easier row to hoe and I can rest assured that something will grow from the seeds that get sewn. So there is my daily dose of perspective.
And here I am in the aftermath of what felt like at the time, the end of my life. Naturally that is just a knee jerk emotional reaction. Some time has passed and I have had an opportunity to digest and gain perspective. There is an old adage that says "A crisis is an opportunity riding the dangerous wind". I like this. It implies a little more work than the watered down westernized version of "when god closes a door he opens a window." If there is anything I have learned about life in my short tenure on this planet it is that there are no free rides. Sure, you can coast on momentum, but sooner or later you have to start earning your way through pain, sweat, and toil. And right now, I am riding the dangerous wind and seizing that opportunity. Its weird, but I have already accomplished so much in 3 short weeks while dealing some really fucked shit, pardon the coarse vernacular. I am also going to be faced with some more tough decisions very soon. I know this. And I am almost excited by the challenge. I see a transformation coming over myself. Something that others have commented on. It has been a few years since I have actually felt a challenged. Since I have dealt with defeat. Since I have been pushed to achieve.
I was thinking the other day about my mother. A saint of a woman who I dare say has not a mean bone in her body. She has spent the last 10 years keeping in very close contact with a woman who used to be my high school soccer coach, Anna. This woman is severely bi-polar and slightly paranoid schizophrenic and, I might add, very hard to deal with. My mother has made sure to call her all the time. Has lunch with her. helps her through tough times. Talk her down form her manic days and literally helps keep the gun from her hand on the depressive days. And the hard thing is, there is no resolution. This is a battle that will be fought day in and day out. Most people do things, I believe, already understanding that there is a goal in sight. That if they do "this" they can achieve "that". In this case, Anna has no cure and she will deal with this burden for the rest of her life. And my mother has chosen to give a piece of her heart to try and help ease this pain. Now, I am sure there is some satisfaction in knowing that you are doing a good deed and making someones life better, but it is hard for me to grasp the will it takes to knowingly enter a losing battle. And I have seen the frustration on her face many times. And I have even been involved in exchanges that would have tested His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, and I watched my mother stop, collect herself and continue to persevere. Now, I may be biased. She is my mom. But, I do know that after more than a decade of watching her literally bang her head against this wall, it is more than just be having a inflated opinion of the woman who gave me life.
Now you might be asking yourself how I am going to circle around and make this about myself. Well, I guess it is pretty simple. I have a much easier row to hoe and I can rest assured that something will grow from the seeds that get sewn. So there is my daily dose of perspective.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Bipolar
Seriously. No way I can be this bonkers for too much longer. But it seems like I am better than worse the majority of the time. It's just that simple. Right now, I am just plain good. It's nice to be feeling healthy. It's exciting to know that I am excelling at my job and also exploring my other opportunities. I have been writing again and love playing with words. I have a goal. I want to publish something. Doesn't need to be ground breaking. Doesn't need to make me rich. I just want to prove I can do it. I know I have the talent. I am just searching for my muse. Search search search. I might need to take a week in the mountains. The solitude would do me good. And if I can leave my cell phone and computer at home, all the better. I had a thought today about turning everything off just for a few days. I would need to remove myself from work but it would be so interesting to try. People are so tethered to their devices. I mean, even my ex who went to the other side of the world to a borderline 3rd world country, has a cell phone and can get online and use skype to call anyone at any time. I could call her cell at any time. The world has become some overwhelming tangled mess of wires and wireless connections. All the while I write this on a laptop, to be posted on the the internet. I would love to find someone to just disappear with for a few weeks. Go to Burma, or Argentina, or Belize and just enjoy life as a simple privilege and pleasure. Eating simple meals, hiking the forests, swimming in the ocean, the streams, and feeling life feed up through my legs like roots gaining sustenance from a fertile soil. In fact, I will do this. Give myself a brief glimpse into Thoreau's tenure at Walden Pond.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
words I like to put together
I have a tendency to think of things at strange times. Actually, I have a tendency to do this while I am driving.
Writhing words wrench from my mind trailing signs of someone lost from sight.
You know, alliteration, assonance, and consonance. Make for some fun sounds. It feels like liquid when I say it out loud. It also reminds me that I don't read enough poetry. And what's worse, neither does 99% of the world. I mean, yeah, we all listen to music, which is arguably a modern day substitute, but I really think we need to be forced to read more poetry. Appreciate the music created by the words. Understand the subtleties of each phrase. Feel the rhythm, the truncation, the meter. I think that is why I have such an affinity for hip hop. It has so much more emphasis on the lyrics. I mean real hip hop, not the top 20 autotuned bullshit. I'm talking about Murs or Eli or even the late great Tupac. You don't have to agree with what they say to appreciate the depth, the intricacy, and the lyrical mastery. Kind of the way I feel when I read John Donne or Lord Byron. I just never seem to like what they have to say, but I can't not like the way they say it.
I would like to have a tape recorder for my thoughts. Sometimes I have trouble keeping up. I imagine everyone has moments like that. Where their mind races out of control, jumping from ledge to ledge, making no sense and perfect sense at the same time. Like trying to remember a dream, you see what is happening, intrinsically understand it, but cannot wrap your mind around it or even recall what it was that you were thinking. I've read that this sort of preternatural thought process, this thinking outside of the confines of your mind, is where creation comes from. Where scientific breakthroughs happen. Where art comes from. Where any of your "outside of the box" thoughts come from. And the amazing thing is, the harder you try, the less you succeed at it. It's as if you have to train your mind to ignore itself. To detach itself from the tethers of your brain and wander aimlessly while you try to stay just close enough to see what is going on but just far enough not to be noticed. It seems to be a state of transcendence you hear about in Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, and countless other religions. Maybe preternatural is not correct. It could be just the opposite. It could be thought in its purest form. The form that our mind is constantly trying to mimic but never quite can. It can't mimic it because it is just a muscle doing what it has been trained to do. Doing what it has seen in these rare moments of clarity.
Writhing words wrench from my mind trailing signs of someone lost from sight.
You know, alliteration, assonance, and consonance. Make for some fun sounds. It feels like liquid when I say it out loud. It also reminds me that I don't read enough poetry. And what's worse, neither does 99% of the world. I mean, yeah, we all listen to music, which is arguably a modern day substitute, but I really think we need to be forced to read more poetry. Appreciate the music created by the words. Understand the subtleties of each phrase. Feel the rhythm, the truncation, the meter. I think that is why I have such an affinity for hip hop. It has so much more emphasis on the lyrics. I mean real hip hop, not the top 20 autotuned bullshit. I'm talking about Murs or Eli or even the late great Tupac. You don't have to agree with what they say to appreciate the depth, the intricacy, and the lyrical mastery. Kind of the way I feel when I read John Donne or Lord Byron. I just never seem to like what they have to say, but I can't not like the way they say it.
I would like to have a tape recorder for my thoughts. Sometimes I have trouble keeping up. I imagine everyone has moments like that. Where their mind races out of control, jumping from ledge to ledge, making no sense and perfect sense at the same time. Like trying to remember a dream, you see what is happening, intrinsically understand it, but cannot wrap your mind around it or even recall what it was that you were thinking. I've read that this sort of preternatural thought process, this thinking outside of the confines of your mind, is where creation comes from. Where scientific breakthroughs happen. Where art comes from. Where any of your "outside of the box" thoughts come from. And the amazing thing is, the harder you try, the less you succeed at it. It's as if you have to train your mind to ignore itself. To detach itself from the tethers of your brain and wander aimlessly while you try to stay just close enough to see what is going on but just far enough not to be noticed. It seems to be a state of transcendence you hear about in Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, and countless other religions. Maybe preternatural is not correct. It could be just the opposite. It could be thought in its purest form. The form that our mind is constantly trying to mimic but never quite can. It can't mimic it because it is just a muscle doing what it has been trained to do. Doing what it has seen in these rare moments of clarity.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Musings of a modern man
A Mr. Lebowski once asked another Mr. Lebowski "what makes a man?"
A curious question. But it seems that it must be answered by all of us at some time. Or maybe over and over and over. I have this desire to leave my impression on the world, but in a world oblivious of my existence, how is that going to happen. Perhaps I need to "open myself to the gentle indifference of the world." With that would come a freedom from so many burdens. If I can guide my hand with kindness yet stop taking myself so seriously, it would seem that I could be a better person. A stronger, more steadfast person. Someone who does not let the tediums of the normal day to day bring him down. But therein lies the rub. How do I maintain a social consciousness, a kind and caring mentality when I have no strings to connect me. No sympathy. No empathy. In short, no understanding. With pain come clarity. Without that clarity, even the best actions become empty and mechanical. They lose efficacy. Although it hurts, pain reminds me of life. It brings out the worst and the best in me. It is necessary to appreciate joy. It highlights life's happiness and forces fear to the surface. Maybe I need to embrace this pain. Live in it. Understand it. And soon conquer it. Because, at the end of the day, it is our feelings that make a man. If you have no sorrow, there is no joy. No pain, no happiness. To every yin there is a yang that creates the balance the constantly reminds us of who we are and what makes life amazing, vibrant, and worth living. To lose that would be to lose everything.
A curious question. But it seems that it must be answered by all of us at some time. Or maybe over and over and over. I have this desire to leave my impression on the world, but in a world oblivious of my existence, how is that going to happen. Perhaps I need to "open myself to the gentle indifference of the world." With that would come a freedom from so many burdens. If I can guide my hand with kindness yet stop taking myself so seriously, it would seem that I could be a better person. A stronger, more steadfast person. Someone who does not let the tediums of the normal day to day bring him down. But therein lies the rub. How do I maintain a social consciousness, a kind and caring mentality when I have no strings to connect me. No sympathy. No empathy. In short, no understanding. With pain come clarity. Without that clarity, even the best actions become empty and mechanical. They lose efficacy. Although it hurts, pain reminds me of life. It brings out the worst and the best in me. It is necessary to appreciate joy. It highlights life's happiness and forces fear to the surface. Maybe I need to embrace this pain. Live in it. Understand it. And soon conquer it. Because, at the end of the day, it is our feelings that make a man. If you have no sorrow, there is no joy. No pain, no happiness. To every yin there is a yang that creates the balance the constantly reminds us of who we are and what makes life amazing, vibrant, and worth living. To lose that would be to lose everything.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Today is hard
I have to keep reminding myself it is over. It seems like whenever i let my guard down, the hope comes creeping back in.
Also, the weather is shit and that makes me a little less happy. I don't know. Today is just hard. I guess it's a case of two steps forward, one step back. It just feels like a long step back. It doesn't help that the woman I am trying to forget is not sure that we are finished as well. I really want to just ignore that but it is hard. There is so much that makes love like our rare that I don't feel right throwing it all away. But that is not my decision. I feel like I have to approach this as a death. Morbid, I know, but if I don't accept the finality of it, I will never be happy. I know I can move on. I truly can. I will.
So here we go. day by day. I think it's actually the two week point right now. Seems like it has been months. But slowly the deep ache is receding and it gives me hope. And who knows what the future holds.
Also, the weather is shit and that makes me a little less happy. I don't know. Today is just hard. I guess it's a case of two steps forward, one step back. It just feels like a long step back. It doesn't help that the woman I am trying to forget is not sure that we are finished as well. I really want to just ignore that but it is hard. There is so much that makes love like our rare that I don't feel right throwing it all away. But that is not my decision. I feel like I have to approach this as a death. Morbid, I know, but if I don't accept the finality of it, I will never be happy. I know I can move on. I truly can. I will.
So here we go. day by day. I think it's actually the two week point right now. Seems like it has been months. But slowly the deep ache is receding and it gives me hope. And who knows what the future holds.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Something's gotta give
"I'm just a soul who's intentions are good. . . Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood."
I feel like something bad is about to happen. No real reason. Just a underlying sense of anxiety. Not the sort of anxiety I feel when I have a panic attack, but when I am aware of impending danger. Maybe it's because the Mayan calendar is coming to an end. I know that makes a lot of other crazies nervous. But seriously, it is a strange feeling. Impending doom. I imagine it has something to do with the last two weeks, my conscious unrelenting effort to manually heal my broken heart and move forward to the rest of my life. Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to. Perhaps that is the doom I'm feeling. The fear that something as pure as what I felt is dying. Fear that I won't have that feeling again.
Still, I prefer this feeling to the heart-wrenching sadness that was filling every cell in my body last week. When you give yourself to someone and they ask you to take it away, it is as if you have to kill that part of yourself to move on. Otherwise it clings to that connection, regardless of the lack of hope. Maybe love isn't blind. It's blind deaf and dumb. Not that it is bad. It fills one with amazement, happiness, comfort, hope, compassion, and many other positive words I can't think of. But it can be an unwieldy appendage. It seems, however, that with practice I have become a little more adept and can almost control this golem. Which is good, because if I have to keep doing this over and over without some improvement, I am going to look like I am 50 when I am 30.
I feel like something bad is about to happen. No real reason. Just a underlying sense of anxiety. Not the sort of anxiety I feel when I have a panic attack, but when I am aware of impending danger. Maybe it's because the Mayan calendar is coming to an end. I know that makes a lot of other crazies nervous. But seriously, it is a strange feeling. Impending doom. I imagine it has something to do with the last two weeks, my conscious unrelenting effort to manually heal my broken heart and move forward to the rest of my life. Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to. Perhaps that is the doom I'm feeling. The fear that something as pure as what I felt is dying. Fear that I won't have that feeling again.
Still, I prefer this feeling to the heart-wrenching sadness that was filling every cell in my body last week. When you give yourself to someone and they ask you to take it away, it is as if you have to kill that part of yourself to move on. Otherwise it clings to that connection, regardless of the lack of hope. Maybe love isn't blind. It's blind deaf and dumb. Not that it is bad. It fills one with amazement, happiness, comfort, hope, compassion, and many other positive words I can't think of. But it can be an unwieldy appendage. It seems, however, that with practice I have become a little more adept and can almost control this golem. Which is good, because if I have to keep doing this over and over without some improvement, I am going to look like I am 50 when I am 30.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Idle hands
I am finding that I am much happier when I am busy. My mind seems to be a little contentious when left idle. So I have been trying to wear myself out with stuff. According to other people, this is time for me to get out, try new things, throw myself into situations, try and go on little adventures, and the like. So, that's what I am doing and will be doing. I am filling my calendar with things that I can look forward to. Concerts, volunteer training, Amnesty International conference, dentist appointment. Seriously. Not that I particularly like the dentist, but I feel like if I lay out milestones and reach them, I will be that closer to being a whole person again. Because, despite my sunny outlook, I still feel like a part of my soul was wrenched from me and thrown down a bottomless chasm while I stood helpless on this brink.
Today is a good day. Tomorrow will be a good day. Shit, they're all good days. Even the bad ones. Other than that, no epiphany to share.
Today is a good day. Tomorrow will be a good day. Shit, they're all good days. Even the bad ones. Other than that, no epiphany to share.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
LBZ
Today I am flying to Long Beach for a trade show. For some reason I am looking forward to it. Too bad it will be raining for the next 3 days. I could use some sun.
Last night as I was drifting off to sleep I found myself in a very serene place. It's strange. I had this overwhelming feeling that things will be alright. Actually, it was more than that. I was suddenly acutely aware of how good my life is and will be. This is a pretty drastic change from where my mind set has been and I am not really sure what caused the change.
A friend and I were talking about this whole situation and I was explaining how I set myself up for it by ignoring all the signs of trouble and investing myself 100% into a relationship that was not quite 100%. He told me that really, I was the lucky one. I only lost someone that I loved but they had lost that love for me so really I was not losing much. Conversely, that person lost someone who was unequivocally, unabashedly, and unquestionably in love with them. That may be harder to lose.
I don't know if I agree with that, but it is an interesting way of looking at the picture. Is the purpose of love the gift of love or the reception of that love? Or is it the reciprocal nature that binds the two people? I think it is less clear cut than that. Indeed, there are moments of purity, but life is no fairy tale, and just like anything else, you need to work for those moments of bliss. Like eating right or exercising daily, I believe that love takes constant upkeep and one of the easiest mistakes to make is to take it for granted. I am definitely guilty of this. But what if the land is allowed to lie fallow? Does it rejuvenate and produce the same crop? Is it better to move on to a new piece of earth and see what the change brings? Don't look back and just keep living? I think I am mixing too many analogies.
Last night as I was drifting off to sleep I found myself in a very serene place. It's strange. I had this overwhelming feeling that things will be alright. Actually, it was more than that. I was suddenly acutely aware of how good my life is and will be. This is a pretty drastic change from where my mind set has been and I am not really sure what caused the change.
A friend and I were talking about this whole situation and I was explaining how I set myself up for it by ignoring all the signs of trouble and investing myself 100% into a relationship that was not quite 100%. He told me that really, I was the lucky one. I only lost someone that I loved but they had lost that love for me so really I was not losing much. Conversely, that person lost someone who was unequivocally, unabashedly, and unquestionably in love with them. That may be harder to lose.
I don't know if I agree with that, but it is an interesting way of looking at the picture. Is the purpose of love the gift of love or the reception of that love? Or is it the reciprocal nature that binds the two people? I think it is less clear cut than that. Indeed, there are moments of purity, but life is no fairy tale, and just like anything else, you need to work for those moments of bliss. Like eating right or exercising daily, I believe that love takes constant upkeep and one of the easiest mistakes to make is to take it for granted. I am definitely guilty of this. But what if the land is allowed to lie fallow? Does it rejuvenate and produce the same crop? Is it better to move on to a new piece of earth and see what the change brings? Don't look back and just keep living? I think I am mixing too many analogies.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Two steps forward, five or six backward.
I don't know what it is, but I sure don't feel that I am making progress. I've never really been a baby steps kind of person. I like to take things off in chunks. I like to see progress. Identify it. Analyze it. And most importantly, understand it. As of now, I have no idea what is going on. I know that I can wake up and not feel depressed. I know that I don't feel the urge to cry constantly. I know that I have accepted how things are and for the most part realize that I can not change anything except for myself. It's so obvious but very hard to fully believe. There is always a part of me that wants to say that I can influence others. Not the case.
So today, I am working on living to make me a better person. Nothing else really. I am focusing on work, exercise, some studying and then the remainder is me time. I have let myself grow stagnant and it has made me an unhappy person. It has also, I believe, destroyed part of the foundation for the best relationship I have had in my life. The only thing I can take from that is the lesson to not have it happen again. A happier me = a happier everyone. Now, the hard part is enacting this change, because as I have mentioned, I don't like baby steps. I have lost 15 lbs in the last 10 days but I feel like that is nothing since I still have a little belly. I have been running every day and last time I played soccer I had more energy that I have had in years. But I didn't hoist the team on my shoulders and carry home the victory. I need to sit back and learn to be happy with the little victories and not expect myself to be transformed overnight.
Also, I took a GRE practice test and that was depressing. Apparently I don't remember how to do math. I went through and got all the questions right, but it took twice as long as it should have and most of the time I had to use process of elimination. I have no idea how to solve for X anymore. Graahhhh!! Why do I need math if I want to go to graduate school for English? Lame.
So today, I am working on living to make me a better person. Nothing else really. I am focusing on work, exercise, some studying and then the remainder is me time. I have let myself grow stagnant and it has made me an unhappy person. It has also, I believe, destroyed part of the foundation for the best relationship I have had in my life. The only thing I can take from that is the lesson to not have it happen again. A happier me = a happier everyone. Now, the hard part is enacting this change, because as I have mentioned, I don't like baby steps. I have lost 15 lbs in the last 10 days but I feel like that is nothing since I still have a little belly. I have been running every day and last time I played soccer I had more energy that I have had in years. But I didn't hoist the team on my shoulders and carry home the victory. I need to sit back and learn to be happy with the little victories and not expect myself to be transformed overnight.
Also, I took a GRE practice test and that was depressing. Apparently I don't remember how to do math. I went through and got all the questions right, but it took twice as long as it should have and most of the time I had to use process of elimination. I have no idea how to solve for X anymore. Graahhhh!! Why do I need math if I want to go to graduate school for English? Lame.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Saturday morning
Lethargic. That's the word I am looking for. I want to hide for a while. Just a few weeks. I was reading about the trapped miners in Chile the other day. About the emotional trauma they suffered from being trapped. The joy they each felt when they finally were brought to the surface. The strange way they all reacted. One man brought rocks with him that he handed out to people as he made his way through the throngs of officials, politicians, reporters, family members, etc. That really struck me. Two months trapped under the earth and when he is finally released from his prison, he feels compelled to share a part of his captor with everyone. It seemed like some wacky variation of Stockholm syndrome. Maybe there is a lesson here for me. Perhaps I need to be wary of being so buried under my feelings that I begin to depend on them. To see my sadness as an integral part of me. And then, when I do emerge from this darkness, I will be compelled to share pieces of it with those around me.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Consider me a case study, only not so scientific.
So I feel like I should be clear about the ground-rules for what I am attempting to do here. This is not a confession. It's not a narrative of what happened between two people. I imagine it will be easy to divine, but that isn't important. I think what I am trying to put down is a road-map of the healing process. Everyone has been through breakups and everyone has a unique yet eerily similar story. So it would just be boring if I told the same story over again. And who knows, this may be boring as well, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. What I want to do is put down the progression of healing. I want to be able to look back and see progress over the days, weeks, months, and appreciate the fact that life has its twisted purpose always, and even though it doesn't make sense now, odds are, it will in the future. And hopefully this will help make that more clear looking back. And who knows, maybe I will be better equipped to provide solace to those who will be standing where I now stand. That is, if anyone cares to read this sappy dribble.
And the world keeps turning
Sometimes it is so hard to keep things in perspective. I spoke to a friend the other day who's mother is dying of cancer. Just like that. No warnings. Just a sentence handed down by the doctor.
So there I was thinking about me and my hurt pride, bruised heart, when I was reminded that people have real problems. Life and death problems. Now I don't think this will make me feel any less lonely when I wake in the morning with nothing more than a crumpled pillow under my arm, but it does remind me that I am just not that important. That I can and will survive this and I have so many happy times ahead of me. Life is so full of hills and dales of joy and pain that all one can really hope to do is survive and be happy as much as possible. And really, do I have it that bad? No. Of course I don't. I just don't like not getting my way.
So there I was thinking about me and my hurt pride, bruised heart, when I was reminded that people have real problems. Life and death problems. Now I don't think this will make me feel any less lonely when I wake in the morning with nothing more than a crumpled pillow under my arm, but it does remind me that I am just not that important. That I can and will survive this and I have so many happy times ahead of me. Life is so full of hills and dales of joy and pain that all one can really hope to do is survive and be happy as much as possible. And really, do I have it that bad? No. Of course I don't. I just don't like not getting my way.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Never wanted to see this coming
You know that feeling at the top of your stomach? The one that feels like you are being repeatedly punched on the inside. As if the last thing you ate is really pissed about being digested and thought it would Bruce Lee its way out the way it came in. That's what I am feeling. Everything else is growing from that one central hub of physical pain. Dulled vision, throbbing head, general confusion. Things that make you really wonder if life isn't just some cruel Markov process, where the constant is pain.
Now, I am no pessimist. In fact, my friends have described me as the opposite. I am passionate, lovable, funny, lazy, erratic, witty, etc. I am a lot of things, but negative is not one of them. So when I feel like this, I feel contrary to me. I feel as if I am wrong and the things causing this pain are wrong. And then I start to wonder, how can emotional pain, which is ephemeral at best, cause so much physical pain? Sure, I know the mind/body connection is powerful, but why the fuck does it have to be that way? I can't take an Advil for this. I can't apply a tourniquet. All I can do is bleed out and hope it doesn't take too long.
Now, I am no pessimist. In fact, my friends have described me as the opposite. I am passionate, lovable, funny, lazy, erratic, witty, etc. I am a lot of things, but negative is not one of them. So when I feel like this, I feel contrary to me. I feel as if I am wrong and the things causing this pain are wrong. And then I start to wonder, how can emotional pain, which is ephemeral at best, cause so much physical pain? Sure, I know the mind/body connection is powerful, but why the fuck does it have to be that way? I can't take an Advil for this. I can't apply a tourniquet. All I can do is bleed out and hope it doesn't take too long.
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