Sometimes all you need is a good poem

You know the phrase, "less is more"?  It had to be coined to describe good poetry.  If you don't like the occasional good poem, well. . . then you are wrong. And yes, you may say it's just a matter of opinion.  You can't be wrong in "liking" something.  Well, this is an exception to that so called rule.  Case in point.  William Everson's "Year's End" is an exquisite example of just how wrong you are.


The year dies fiercely: out of the north the beating storms,
And wind at the roof's edge, lighting swording the low sky:
This year dying like some traitored Norse stumbling
       under the deep wounds,
The furious steel, smashing and swinging.

From the northern room I watch in the dusk,
and being unsocial regard the coming year coldly,
Suspicious of strangers, distrustful of innovations,
Reluctant to chance one way or another the unknown.
I leave this year as a man leaves wine,
Remembering the summer, bountiful, the good fall, the months
       mellow and full.
I sit in the northern room, in the dusk, the death of a year,
And watch it go down in thunder.


This gem from Everson, later called Brother Antoninus when he he went monastic, and then later William Everson when he had his fill of celibacy, is so vivid, so vibrant, that you forget that it is just a mere 114 words.  I've read novels that didn't say as much.  I keep my commentary to myself on this one.  Sometimes it is best just to sit back and enjoy.  So, go back, read this a few more times and enjoy the imagery, rhythm, and symbolism.

Another miracle of science

Another chemical attempts to destroy the earth. Thanks Bayer.  So here we have something to add to the list of illustrious man-made chemical harbingers of death peddled to the public as a safe solution to minor inconveniences.  What remains to be seen is will this succeed where DDT, asbestos, lead gasoline additives, PCBs and other lovely characters have failed.  I always appreciate hearing about the EPA doing everything in its power to stay in lockstep with the industries it is supposed to protect us and the environment from. 

Here's a fun game.  Try and find a government agency that doesn't completely contradict it's purpose.  The DMV?  Does that count?

This is just so good that I have to share it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xCs0up79gc

MBA?

The last 3 months have been strange.  A transitional phase in my life.  But to be honest, this has been building for the last 5 years.  I have an itch to do something.  Something great.  But I don't know how to do it.  Well, after lots of oscillation, I believe I have made a decision.  I think when it comes to profound life altering decisions, indecision is inevitable.  I have always envied people who can decide at the drop of a hat and then stick to their guns through the duration, but I am not sure that is something I would like to do.  I have no clear idea of what the future holds and I know I will change my mind again.  And again.  And again, but today I am starting something in motion that will alter the course of my life.

I went to an information session last night at Mills College and spoke with the dean of the business school and was very impressed with what she had to say.  I do realize that all schools have to sell themselves as a product and business schools are most likely to be the best at selling themselves so I will be doing research on a number of schools, but I really did enjoy the size and focus of this particular school.  Accountability, Ethics, and Environmentally friendly business were the core beliefs we discussed.  Ideal for me since I want to take this into the not-for-profit sector.  Maybe working for an NGO promoting sustainable agriculture in South Africa.  Or maybe economic diversity in Argentina.  Or a organic food coop in California.  Who knows. 

So that's all.  I find myself forgetting my past and looking at today and tomorrow more and more.  It's exciting, it's liberating.  Naturally I still have those melancholy moments looking back at the last 2 and a half years of my life, but those days I am happy to report, dear reader (if there really is someone reading this) are growing fewer and farther between.  2 months ago I was ready to call it quits and just be sad.  What a whiner I was.  I need to remember this feeling so I can use it if another lovely woman decides to break my heart.  It will be good to know it slowly puts itself back together. 

Sent here one by one.  Walking
resolutely to no sure end
we bravely put on our funeral
mask before taking to the grave.

Of all of man's obsessions,
His games and goals, trials and tolls
Nothing will prevent his bow
from breaking on the cruel
rocks of mortality.

Important news

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-11909581

Taking one off the bucket list

Going to see Roger Waters perform "The Wall" live this Friday.  I don't think I have ever been this excited about a concert.  It's like being 8 and trying to fall asleep on Christmas Eve!!

And just for a smile

Best video of the day. If you don't like this, you are a robot.

Herbie, Fully Loaded

Today I am reminded once again that I am quite fortunate.
http://www.forkparty.com/woman-run-over-by-her-own-car-twice/
Obviously she was not very kind to her car.  Maybe rode the clutch too much, or seldom washed it.  Whatever she did, that car was pissed.  Also, I was fortunate enough to watch about 10 minutes of "Sarah Palin's Alaska" the other night.  I can safely say that it is one of the worst TV shows ever.  It seems to me to be thinly veiled political rhetoric.  Basically a campaign ad that runs weekly on TLC Sunday nights at 9/8 central.  Really the only redeeming quality is the irony of it being aired on a channel called "The Learning Channel".  I literally felt stupider after watching this pointless dribble.  It really is quite remarkable that a woman who supported aerial hunting of wolves and ran with a mantra of "Drill baby drill" can actually be trying to position herself as a proponent of Alaska's majestic and diverse ecosystem.  This is like Strom Thurmond hosting a show on racial equality.  What is amazing is that given the short attention span of most people these days, and the hypnotic control the media has over a huge portion of this country, that concept is not far fetched.  Granted, of course, we find a way to raise his hate-filled corpse from the grave.

It is days like this that I am filled with the urge to join the political fray and see if I can add some sanity to an otherwise insane system.  But my rational mind is telling me that modern politics is a dying sport being supplanted by viral movements and the modern media monster.  A technological David and Goliath.  Lets hope and pray for some biblical consistency and watch the common man topple the monumental force of Fox News, CNN, MSNBC and the like.  Or, more accurately and infinitely more insurmountable, Viacom, GE, NewsCorp, Walt Disney, CBS, and Time Warner.  These six companies control almost everything we see and hear.  Radio, TV, movies, billboards, advertising, newspapers, magazines, websites, books, you name it, they own it, censor it, and edit it to fit the corporate objective.  Not trying to sound like a paranoid conspiracy theorist, but we are feeling ever closer and closer to 1984 or Fahrenheit 451 or whatever dystopian nightmare scares you the most.

Leslie Nielsen, you will be missed

Today is a sad day for anyone with a sense of humor.  Leslie Nielsen died at the tender age of 84.  The man who brought us such great films as "Airplane" and the Naked Gun trilogy had a unique style of humor and never failed to make me laugh.  Maybe I liked him so much because we share the same birthday.  But most likely it is because he was a comedic genius who brought happiness and joy to everything he touched.  So here are some of the best clips from Airplane and The Naked Gun.  You may ask, "Surely you can't be serious"  To which I reply, "I am serious.  And don't call me Shirley."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcKJdmXbBBc

Untitled

Hands pressed together
warm skin on warm skin
with grooves of each print
fitting like bark to wood

The moon rises over the trees
scattering light across the dancing grass
like laughter skipping over water
it splashes against the window pane

Inside the walls are bare
signaling another change
The back room is kept locked
closed to the new tenant.

Never a dull moment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_Op4Nnokhk

So North Korea decided to fire some artillery into South Korea.  With tensions already high with the imminent accession of Kim Jong Il's son, Kim Jong-un, as well as the recent sinking of a South Korean ship which claimed over 100 lives, this new development scares the shit out of me.  What is wrong with this world?  This is obviously some military posturing to show that Kim Jong-un is a man to lead the hardline military regime of North Korea.  Maybe they gave him the keys to the ship the other day and told him to go out and cut his teeth on something.  Whatever the case, this is something that reminds me that mankind is his own worst enemy.  We never stop finding new and improved ways to kill each other.  And this kid will very soon have his hand on the nuclear controls of at least a handful of ICBMs.  And they are showing no signs of slowing down.  A recent US scientist on a visit to N Korea was given a brief tour of a new enrichment facility.  That was definitely not on his initial itinerary.  Obviously N Korea is telling the rest of the world that they have no intention to continue nuclear disarmament talks and are in fact, hellbent on creating even more weapons.  Someone should send them a copy of Dr. Strangelove since it most definitely is banned there. 

No real point to make on this.  I think it speaks for itself.  It is really fucking scary. 

Ameliorate

I have found it very interesting how life is so completely out of your control while at the same time you have suck a tremendous impact on the course you take.  Where I am today could not have been orchestrated.  Could not have been planned.  But it is only through my actions, my conscious effort to do this or not do that, that I have arrived here.  On the surface I feel like this is a very obvious and boring statement.  Obviously we "drive" the course of our life.  And obviously there are factors that are completely out of your control and it is just a matter of taking what is given and rolling with the punches.  And it seems, like a fly caught in a spider's web, the more you struggle and fight, the more life traps you.  I'm not saying you should just lay still and accept fate, but sometimes it makes it hard to decide what to do.  And maybe the struggle is worth the gamble.  I guess the spider web analogy isn't all that iron clad.  I mean, it applies to fighting against the inevitable, but there seems to be a current that you can ride and maneuver.  And that is where I am today.  Where am I going to steer myself?  I have spent the last 6 weeks or so putting a lot of effort into making me a better person and I am definitely feeling good about that.  Good thing since winter is here and we have no goddamn sun anymore.  I need me some sunshine. 

I digress.  As I said, I am faced with where to ride the wave of life.  I have started take steps that I am excited about, but it makes me nervous not to know if I am heading in a direction that I will be able to be a success.  And I am not really talking about monetary.  Emotional success, maybe?  Empathetic success?  Not sure how to describe it.  I feel like I am missing a word that I should know.  And this all isn't to say that I feel like I have not achieved anything in my life.  I know I have.  And I have had what seems to be a positive impact on a lot of people.  Hopefully they would agree with me.  But at the end of the day, that is all I really want.  I want to know that I left the world a better place than when I entered it.  And I do that in little ways all the time, but I feel like there should be something more substantial.  That is why I have been very active in pursuing an MBA lately.  This would be something that I could use to have a profound impact. It would give me the tools to start a non-profit and actually run it successfully.  Or join a company and impact it in a positive way.  But, most importantly, before I form a plan, I better start taking some actual steps otherwise I will never get anywhere and find that I squandered my life. 

no title

My mother once told me, "ultimately, we are all alone."  I always felt like that was a very depressing statement.  But I am starting to grasp just what she was trying to to tell me.  Obviously we interact with people all day.  We impact their lives.  They impact ours.  We form bonds.  They break.  People hurt you.  You  hurt them.  On and on.  But what she really meant, I think, is that there is no "us".  When push comes to shove, it is just me, and me alone.  No matter how close you think you are to someone, there is always that potential for them to move away.  Lovers leave, friends grow distant, marriages crumble, nothing is constant except for your solitude.  And finding peace with that is liberating, not depressing.  It allows you to move forward, emotionally unfettered.  It gives you the power to control your life, your happiness.  Once you place that power in another person's hands, you are set up for failure.  I'm not saying to be distant, not to form those close emotional connections, but it is important to always maintain independence.  I have been close to making this mistake recently.  But through the severe emotional betrayal I am able to stand up from the blow, dust myself off, and see that I am still me.  I am whole and I am stronger from it.  If anything, the person who hurt me lost something.  They may not agree, but for me, I know what I gave and that I am proud of what I did.  I can't ask myself for any more.  It is disappointing, yes.  I thought that I had found that "someone" that people are all looking for.  But with no reciprocation, it is an empty love, I guess.  Maybe not empty, but most definitely incomplete.  And the hope for something better is pretty amazing.  I do love giving my love but apparently I have not received it completely yet.  If I could be as happy as I was with an "incomplete love" then how amazing must it be when that circle is truly created.  I may be kind of contradicting my earlier topic in this long rambling paragraph.

Happy alone

Staggering down the hall -
a bloody handprint marks my decent
with sin training its beady eyes
on my chest. Hold your breath.
Squeeze.

The blurriness breaks with light
splintering into my new found faith
flutter.  blink.  stammer. gasp.
Brimming with joy over the pain
as realization sets foot.

The hall ends in a room
with open walls.

Bright Eyes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qikRcAiCtKM&feature=player_embedded#!

I have been listening to a lot of music lately.  I feel like I have let myself go flat over the last few years.  Not sure how or why.  It just seems that in my struggles I had lost sight of some things.  I lost a lot of what made me, me.  Not sure what else to make of that.  So, in the midst of these last few weeks of sadness, despondency, and anger, I have been forced to climb out of the hole I had dug.  Maybe the change had already started and that is why I am finding it somewhat easy.  I actually think this change started some months back, but that is not really important.  What is important is that good things are afoot.  Or something like that. 

I've been mulling over a lot of things I want to try.  I was looking at flying lessons.  Might be foolish since I am afraid of flying, but I think I would enjoy it.  And skydiving.  Surfing.  Kite surfing.  Scuba diving.  Apparently I want it to be summer again.  I should move somewhere warmer.  Oh, and kayaking.  White water kayaking.  I wonder how much I need to save to move to Costa Rica for a year.  Can't be too much.  Maybe I could just cash in my 401k and roll.  I bet Mr. Darcy would like to go tropical.  I could get him some small feline scuba gear. 

Cee-Lo, I love you!

The Sniffles

I have them :(...

Bad Religion

Not sure what else to say.  I'm psyched to go see them. I guess I would be happier if they were playing with Pennywise or Social D.  But that would just be ludicrous.  I used to listen to so much punk when I was younger.  I'm not sure when I stopped, but I most definitely don't have it in my playlist like I used to.  I guess that's to be expected.  As I get older my musical taste become more refined and classy.  Thus my penchant for gangsta rap.  Sometimes I don't don't know what I am thinking when I put on music and like it.  It really makes no sense at all.  I did come home the other night, it was about 4am, and I put on Pink Floyd's The Final Cut and lay in bed for about an hour just enjoying it.  I sat in rapt amusement, just listening to the depth of each word, each note, and let it fill me.  Sometimes I forget how powerful music is.  With so many senses being constantly assaulted, I find it harder and harder to focus in on most simple pleasures.

I have this worry that we are becoming so desensitized by technology and the overwhelming need to have constant stimulation.  This exponential growth is simple unsustainable.  There is some event on the horizon.  I don't know what.  The pessimist in me is whispering some cataclysm.  But most of me would like to think there is some mass epiphany.  A global shift of consciousness.  But what could bring about such a change.  That is what worries me.  People really tend to react only to crisis.  It is just becoming harder and harder to have faith in my fellow man.  I am ever impressed with human ingenuity, art, creativity, science, technology, but I just know so many negative people, it makes me wonder.

Or maybe I am just being a little overly dramatic.  I do know that I have one recourse, whether things are good or things are bad.  I need to be the best person I can.  I need to exact a positive change in this world. After all, "the ocean is made up of drops" - Mother Theresa. She may not have come up with the phrase but I'll credit her since she is who I remember saying it.  There is something liberating in insignificance.

On a side note, I just signed up for some yoga classes.  I have always resisted this for fear of being labeled a yuppie or something like that.  But I am in this "try new things" kick and it seemed like the thing to do.  Also, I could only benefit from being more lithe and limber.  That, and I could use some meditation practice.  When I was first dealing with panic attacks, I did a lot of meditating.  Over the last 8 or so years I have become less centered in some ways and need to reconnect with my self.  A little introspection never hurt anyone.  

Benign

walking with myself.  happy in my own mind, separated from me, looking down in disbelief.
The smell of autumn mixed with the sounds of the city bring me back to earth
with the sun dropping lazily to the skyline, earlier every day, pushing toward winter.
I feel myself slipping into old routines of movies and books waiting for spring's relief.

Mornings are the worst.  Cold frost skipping playfully around the rim of my glass
reminding me of how long the sun has been absent as it dances the planets girth.
When it does finally crests, the rays feel helpless and its warmth breaks and splinters.
Gray white and black dominate the color palate like a dark omen that will pass.

No man is an island

Thomas Merton wrote a book called no man is an island.  I read it while I was sitting in a county jail for 6 months.  Plenty of time to contemplate.  One thing I came to realize is that life is always changing.  It is illusory by nature.  You look at it from one angle, understand what you see, and then it changes.  It is as if our cognizance of our own reality is mocking us, reminding us that we actually are not at all aware of what we are seeing.  We piece together understanding based on what others do, say, don't say, and don't do.  All the while, we don't even know what we are going to do or say.  It is a constant game of hide and seek, always one step behind.  But ever eager to catch the prize. 

If people can be relied upon for one thing, it is inconsistency.  Sure, they can be predicted based on their current trajectory, but if we are all always struggling to understand what is going on, how we fit it, what is going to give us meaning, doesn't that mean that at any point you can alter your course?  And those around you who were watching stand stunned by that deviation, only because they were not able to quite predict that particular facet of their day.  And then they translate, react, adapt, and cause those around them to react and so on in a constant dance of human interaction.  So perhaps no man can be an island unto himself.  But ultimately, ever person is only given their own mind, their own future,  lives according to their unique perspective and experience.  Almost as if we are not islands, but rather rafts afloat in a sea of discord, meekly paddling with our hands, barely able to alter the course as we are buffeted around by the waves.  But no matter how hard the waters push and pull, the raft can't sink.  And if you paddle hard enough, you do exact a change.  You can't fight the storm, but you can ride it.  And that is what I am doing.  And the harder I paddle, the more momentum I gain.  And for now, I don't quite know where I am paddling, but I am enjoying the challenge.

I have noticed that little things affect me more now that I am paying more attention to myself.  I have been dealing with some self esteem issues, as one naturally does when they go through a break up.  Today I shaved my head and my beard and noticed a very marked change in my appearance.  It gave me a confidence that I had been lacking for some time.  The last time i had my face shaved, I was pretty overweight and I hated the way I looked.  Today, I had the opposite reaction.  I was pleased with myself.  Saw results from my new-found motivation to exercise regularly.  It's the same as me taking more time to write and read now.  I have noticed myself having more clear, concise thoughts.  My writing has improved (minus the dribble I pour out here) and I find myself jotting things down rather than just ignoring the thoughts as they come into my wandering mind.  All of this reminds me that I am good.  And goddammit, it just keeps getting better despite a broken heart.  

Once more into the breach

Dark swearing eyes stared back at me.  My questions bounced off like hail on an aluminum roof.  Nothing penetrated despite the din.  The audible frustration made me wince and with that, my blood was in the water.  Circling around with louder shouts, I had no armor to repel the assault.  Trapped inside my own logic, I had no answer for the barrage.  Quitting the room, I looked back with insulted regret.  Given another chance I would have held my own.  It only this.  If only that.  The same story, I am unable to draw blood consciously.  Passive, hoping my whisper will one day penetrate the bedlam that invariably ensues.

Walking down the hall, doors open in to caverns inhabited by cabals, feeding into my paranoia.  I tread gingerly hoping to avoid casting my shadow across the crack in the door for fear of drawing attention.  But always it follows one step behind me, mocking my efforts to elude.  But at last I reach my own door, managing to obviate the dangers between, I can feel relief washing over with a restless surge, almost to the point of discomfort.  My hand feels clammy as I grasp the brass of the knob and turn towards fate.  And before it is ajar, I know you are gone.  The feeling fills my lungs and stretches down past my pelvis to my knees.  And as I crumple, one word bounces off my mind against the cold stone wall staring back at me.

It's a vibrant, wild, muddled world

Sometimes I find myself curious what the world looks like through someone else's eyes.  And obviously not just literally.  I mean, to see, feel, taste and touch the world through another person's experiences, memories, biases, neuroses, etc.  How different that would make everything.  And to somehow temper in your own consciousness so you could be aware of the differences, that would truly be enlightening.  Would red still be red.  Would the warmth of the sun still make my skin tingle? Or would it be more subtle?  I can remember being about 7 or 8, walking home from my neighbors house, as I so often did during the long summer days.  My neighbor, Annie, and I would gallivant through the woods playing innumerable games, battling mythical creatures, building impenetrable tree forts, and all the other accoutrements of a successful summer of youth.  And I have lost where I was going with this. 

To be continued. . .

ehhh. . .

Was a time.  lost that time.  spend my mind.  end of the line.  lost my shine.
life starts to drain.  worms in my brain. sand in my veins.  tears in my eyes. love is dry.  fear does fly.
hope will die. cringe and bend.  torn and rent.  whipped and spent.  silent defense. broken sense. broken dreams broken promises. strangled screams. smothered desire. buried fire.  smolder and spread.  winter comes.  biding time.  break the frost.  night is lost.

3 weeks

It was three weeks ago that I had some very unpleasant news.  No need for details.  Sometimes people aren't who you anticipate them to be.  Something always is there to remind us that humans are walking timebombs.  Tick tick tick tick . . . Boom! 

And here I am in the aftermath of what felt like at the time, the end of my life.  Naturally that is just a knee jerk emotional reaction.  Some time has passed and I have had an opportunity to digest and gain perspective.  There is an old adage that says "A crisis is an opportunity riding the dangerous wind".  I like this.  It implies a little more work than the watered down westernized version of "when god closes a door he opens a window."  If there is anything I have learned about life in my short tenure on this planet it is that there are no free rides.  Sure, you can coast on momentum, but sooner or later you have to start earning your way through pain, sweat, and toil.  And right now, I am riding the dangerous wind and seizing that opportunity.  Its weird, but I have already accomplished so much in 3 short weeks while dealing some really fucked shit, pardon the coarse vernacular.  I am also going to be faced with some more tough decisions very soon.  I know this.  And I am almost excited by the challenge.  I see a transformation coming over myself.  Something that others have commented on.  It has been a few years since I have actually felt a challenged.  Since I have dealt with defeat.  Since I have been pushed to achieve. 

I was thinking the other day about my mother.  A saint of a woman who I dare say has not a mean bone in her body.  She has spent the last 10 years keeping in very close contact with a woman who used to be my high school soccer coach, Anna.  This woman is severely bi-polar and slightly paranoid schizophrenic and, I might add, very hard to deal with.  My mother has made sure to call her all the time.  Has lunch with her.  helps her through tough times.  Talk her down form her manic days and literally helps keep the gun from her hand on the depressive days.   And the hard thing is, there is no resolution.  This is a battle that will be fought day in and day out.  Most people do things, I believe, already understanding that there is a goal in sight.  That if they do "this" they can achieve "that".  In this case, Anna has no cure and she will deal with this burden for the rest of her life.  And my mother has chosen to give a piece of her heart to try and help ease this pain.  Now, I am sure there is some satisfaction in knowing that you are doing a good deed and making someones life better, but it is hard for me to grasp the will it takes to knowingly enter a losing battle.  And I have seen the frustration on her face many times.  And I have even been involved in exchanges that would have tested His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, and I watched my mother stop, collect herself and continue to persevere.  Now, I may be biased.  She is my mom.  But, I do know that after more than a decade of watching her literally bang her head against this wall, it is more than just be having a inflated opinion of the woman who gave me life.

Now you might be asking yourself how I am going to circle around and make this about myself.  Well, I guess it is pretty simple.  I have a much easier row to hoe and I can rest assured that something will grow from the seeds that get sewn.  So there is my daily dose of perspective. 

Bipolar

Seriously.  No way I can be this bonkers for too much longer.  But it seems like I am better than worse the majority of the time.  It's just that simple.  Right now, I am just plain good.  It's nice to be feeling healthy.  It's exciting to know that I am excelling at my job and also exploring my other opportunities.  I have been writing again and love playing with words.  I have a goal.  I want to publish something.  Doesn't need to be ground breaking.  Doesn't need to make me rich.  I just want to prove I can do it.  I know I have the talent.  I am just searching for my muse.  Search search search.  I might need to take a week in the mountains.  The solitude would do me good.  And if I can leave my cell phone and computer at home, all the better.  I had a thought today about turning everything off just for a few days.  I would need to remove myself from work but it would be so interesting to try.  People are so tethered to their devices.  I mean, even my ex who went to the other side of the world to a borderline 3rd world country, has a cell phone and can get online and use skype to call anyone at any time.  I could call her cell at any time.  The world has become some overwhelming tangled mess of wires and wireless connections.  All the while I write this on a laptop, to be posted on the the internet.  I would love to find someone to just disappear with for a few weeks.  Go to Burma, or Argentina, or Belize and just enjoy life as a simple privilege and pleasure.  Eating simple meals, hiking the forests, swimming in the ocean, the streams, and feeling life feed up through my legs like roots gaining sustenance from a fertile soil.  In fact, I will do this.  Give myself a brief glimpse into Thoreau's tenure at Walden Pond.

words I like to put together

I have a tendency to think of things at strange times.  Actually, I have a tendency to do this while I am driving. 

Writhing words wrench from my mind trailing signs of someone lost from sight.

You know, alliteration, assonance, and consonance.  Make for some fun sounds.  It feels like liquid when I say it out loud.  It also reminds me that I don't read enough poetry.  And what's worse, neither does 99% of the world.  I mean, yeah, we all listen to music, which is arguably a modern day substitute, but I really think we need to be forced to read more poetry.  Appreciate the music created by the words.  Understand the subtleties of each phrase.  Feel the rhythm, the truncation, the meter.  I think that is why I have such an affinity for hip hop.  It has so much more emphasis on the lyrics.  I mean real hip hop, not the top 20 autotuned bullshit.  I'm talking about Murs or Eli or even the late great Tupac.  You don't have to agree with what they say to appreciate the depth, the intricacy, and the lyrical mastery.  Kind of the way I feel when I read John Donne or Lord Byron.  I just never seem to like what they have to say, but I can't not like the way they say it.

I would like to have a tape recorder for my thoughts.  Sometimes I have trouble keeping up.  I imagine everyone has moments like that.  Where their mind races out of control, jumping from ledge to ledge, making no sense and perfect sense at the same time.  Like trying to remember a dream, you see what is happening, intrinsically understand it, but cannot wrap your mind around it or even recall what it was that you were thinking.  I've read that this sort of preternatural thought process, this thinking outside of the confines of your mind, is where creation comes from.  Where scientific breakthroughs happen.  Where art comes from.  Where any of your "outside of the box" thoughts come from.  And the amazing thing is, the harder you try, the less you succeed at it.  It's as if you have to train your mind to ignore itself.  To detach itself from the tethers of your brain and wander aimlessly while you try to stay just close enough to see what is going on but just far enough not to be noticed.  It seems to be a state of transcendence you hear about in Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, and countless other religions.  Maybe preternatural is not correct.  It could be just the opposite.  It could be thought in its purest form.  The form that our mind is constantly trying to mimic but never quite can.  It can't mimic it because it is just a muscle doing what it has been trained to do.  Doing what it has seen in these rare moments of clarity. 

Musings of a modern man

A Mr. Lebowski once asked another Mr. Lebowski "what makes a man?"

A curious question.  But it seems that it must be answered  by all of us at some time.  Or maybe over and over and over.  I have this desire to leave my impression on the world, but in a world oblivious of my existence, how is that going to happen.   Perhaps I need to "open myself to the gentle indifference of the world."  With that would come a freedom from so many burdens.  If I can guide my hand with kindness yet stop taking myself so seriously, it would seem that I could be a better person.  A stronger, more steadfast person.  Someone who does not let the tediums of the normal day to day bring him down.  But therein lies the rub.  How do I maintain a social consciousness, a kind and caring mentality when I have no strings to connect me.  No sympathy.  No empathy.  In short, no understanding.  With pain come clarity.  Without that clarity, even the best actions become empty and mechanical.  They  lose efficacy. Although it hurts, pain reminds me of life.  It brings out the worst and the best in me.  It is necessary to appreciate joy.  It highlights life's happiness and forces fear to the surface.  Maybe I need to embrace this pain. Live in it.  Understand it.  And soon conquer it.  Because, at the end of the day, it is our feelings that make a man.  If you have no sorrow, there is no joy.  No pain, no happiness.  To every yin there is a yang that creates the balance the constantly reminds us of who we are and what makes life amazing, vibrant, and worth living.  To lose that would be to lose everything. 

Today is hard

I have to keep reminding myself it is over.  It seems like whenever i let my guard down, the hope comes creeping back in.

Also, the weather is shit and that makes me a little less happy.  I don't know.  Today is just hard.  I guess it's a case of two steps forward, one step back.  It just feels like a long step back.  It doesn't help that the woman I am trying to forget is not sure that we are finished as well.  I really want to just ignore that but it is hard.  There is so much that makes love like our rare that I don't feel right throwing it all away.  But that is not my decision.  I feel like I have to approach this as a death.  Morbid, I know, but if I don't accept the finality of it, I will never be happy.  I know I can move on.  I truly can.  I will. 

So here we go.  day by day.  I think it's actually the two week point right now.  Seems like it has been months.  But slowly the deep ache is receding and it gives me hope.  And who knows what the future holds.

Something's gotta give

"I'm just a soul who's intentions are good. . . Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood." 

I feel like something bad is about to happen.  No real reason.  Just a underlying sense of anxiety.  Not the sort of anxiety I feel when I have a panic attack, but when I am aware of impending danger.  Maybe it's because the Mayan calendar is coming to an end.  I know that makes a lot of other crazies nervous.  But seriously, it is a strange feeling.  Impending doom.  I imagine it has something to do with the last two weeks, my conscious unrelenting effort to manually heal my broken heart and move forward to the rest of my life.  Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to.  Perhaps that is the doom I'm feeling.  The fear that something as pure as what I felt is dying.  Fear that I won't have that feeling again. 

Still, I prefer this feeling to the heart-wrenching sadness that was filling every cell in my body last week.  When you give yourself to someone and they ask you to take it away, it is as if you have to kill that part of yourself to move on.  Otherwise it clings to that connection, regardless of the lack of hope.   Maybe love isn't blind.  It's blind deaf and dumb.  Not that it is bad.  It fills one with amazement, happiness, comfort, hope, compassion, and many other positive words I can't think of.  But it can be an unwieldy appendage.  It seems, however, that with practice I have become a little more adept and can almost control this golem.  Which is good, because if I have to keep doing this over and over without some improvement, I am going to look like I am 50 when I am 30. 

Idle hands

I am finding that I am much happier when I am busy.  My mind seems to be a little contentious when left idle.  So I have been trying to wear myself out with stuff.  According to other people, this is time for me to get out, try new things, throw myself into situations, try and go on little adventures, and the like.  So, that's what I am doing and will be doing.  I am filling my calendar with things that I can look forward to.  Concerts, volunteer training, Amnesty International conference, dentist appointment.  Seriously.  Not that I particularly like the dentist, but I feel like if I lay out milestones and reach them, I will be that closer to being a whole person again.  Because, despite my sunny outlook, I still feel like a part of my soul was wrenched from me and thrown down a bottomless chasm while I stood helpless on this brink. 

Today is a good day.  Tomorrow will be a good day.  Shit, they're all good days.  Even the bad ones.  Other than that, no epiphany to share. 

LBZ

Today I am flying to Long Beach for a trade show.  For some reason I am looking forward to it.  Too bad it will be raining for the next 3 days.  I could use some sun. 

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep I found myself in a very serene place.  It's strange.  I had this overwhelming feeling that things will be alright.  Actually, it was more than that.  I was suddenly acutely aware of how good my life is and will be.  This is a pretty drastic change from where my mind set has been and I am not really sure what caused the change.

A friend and I were talking about this whole situation and I was explaining how I set myself up for it by ignoring all the signs of trouble and investing myself 100% into a relationship that was not quite 100%.  He told me that really, I was the lucky one.  I only lost someone that I loved but they had lost that love for me so really I was not losing much.  Conversely, that person lost someone who was unequivocally, unabashedly, and unquestionably in love with them.  That may be harder to lose.

I don't know if I agree with that, but it is an interesting way of looking at the picture.  Is the purpose of love the gift of love or the reception of that love?  Or is it the reciprocal nature that binds the two people?  I think it is less clear cut than that.  Indeed, there are moments of purity, but life is no fairy tale, and just like anything else, you need to work for those moments of bliss.  Like eating right or exercising daily, I believe that love takes constant upkeep and one of the easiest mistakes to make is to take it for granted.  I am definitely guilty of this.  But what if the land is allowed to lie fallow?  Does it rejuvenate and produce the same crop?  Is it better to move on to a new piece of earth and see what the change brings?  Don't look back and just keep living?  I think I am mixing too many analogies.

Two steps forward, five or six backward.

I don't know what it is, but I sure don't feel that I am making progress.  I've never really been a baby steps kind of person.  I like to take things off in chunks.  I like to see progress.  Identify it.  Analyze it.  And most importantly, understand it.  As of now, I have no idea what is going on.  I know that I can wake up and not feel depressed.  I know that I don't feel the urge to cry constantly.  I know that I have accepted how things are and for the most part realize that I can not change anything except for myself.  It's so obvious but very hard to fully believe.  There is always a part of me that wants to say that I can influence others.  Not the case.

So today, I am working on living to make me a better person.  Nothing else really.  I am focusing on work, exercise, some studying and then the remainder is me time.  I have let myself grow stagnant and it has made me an unhappy person.  It has also, I believe, destroyed part of the foundation for the best relationship I have had in my life.  The only thing I can take from that is the lesson to not have it happen again.  A happier me = a happier everyone.  Now, the hard part is enacting this change, because as I have mentioned, I don't like baby steps.  I have lost 15 lbs in the last 10 days but I feel like that is nothing since I still have a little belly.  I have been running every day and last time I played soccer I had more energy that I have had in years.  But I didn't hoist the team on my shoulders and carry home the victory.  I need to sit back and learn to be happy with the little victories and not expect myself to be transformed overnight.

Also, I took a GRE practice test and that was depressing.  Apparently I don't remember how to do math.  I went through and got all the questions right, but it took twice as long as it should have and most of the time I had to use process of elimination.  I have no idea how to solve for X anymore.  Graahhhh!!  Why do I need math if I want to go to graduate school for English?  Lame.

Saturday morning

Lethargic.  That's the word I am looking for.  I want to hide for a while.  Just a few weeks.  I was reading about the trapped miners in Chile the other day.  About the emotional trauma they suffered from being trapped.  The joy they each felt when they finally were brought to the surface.  The strange way they all reacted.  One man brought rocks with him that he handed out to people as he made his way through the throngs of officials, politicians, reporters, family members, etc.  That really struck me.  Two months trapped under the earth and when he is finally released from his prison, he feels compelled to share a part of his captor with everyone.  It seemed like some wacky variation of Stockholm syndrome.  Maybe there is a lesson here for me.  Perhaps I need to be wary of being so buried under my feelings that I begin to depend on them.  To see my sadness as an integral part of me.  And then, when I do emerge from this darkness, I will be compelled to share pieces of it with those around me. 

Consider me a case study, only not so scientific.

So I feel like I should be clear about the ground-rules for what I am attempting to do here.  This is not a confession.  It's not a narrative of what happened between two people.  I imagine it will be easy to divine, but that isn't important.  I think what I am trying to put down is a road-map of the healing process.  Everyone has been through breakups and everyone has a unique yet eerily similar story.  So it would just be boring if I told the same story over again.  And who knows, this may be boring as well, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.  What I want to do is put down the progression of healing.  I want to be able to look back and see progress over the days, weeks, months, and appreciate the fact that life has its twisted purpose always, and even though it doesn't make sense now, odds are, it will in the future.  And hopefully this will help make that more clear looking back.  And who knows, maybe I will be better equipped to provide solace to those who will be standing where I now stand.  That is, if anyone cares to read this sappy dribble.

And the world keeps turning

Sometimes it is so hard to keep things in perspective.  I spoke to a friend the other day who's mother is dying of cancer.  Just like that.  No warnings.  Just a sentence handed down by the doctor.

So there I was thinking about me and my hurt pride, bruised heart, when I was reminded that people have real problems.  Life and death problems.  Now I don't think this will make me feel any less lonely when I wake in the morning with nothing more than a crumpled pillow under my arm, but it does remind me that I am just not that important.  That I can and will survive this and I have so many happy times ahead of me.  Life is so full of hills and dales of joy and pain that all one can really hope to do is survive and be happy as much as possible.  And really, do I have it that bad?  No.  Of course I don't.  I just don't like not getting my way. 

Never wanted to see this coming

You know that feeling at the top of your stomach?  The one that feels like you are being repeatedly punched on the inside.  As if the last thing you ate is really pissed about being digested and thought it would Bruce Lee its way out the way it came in.  That's what I am feeling.  Everything else is growing from that one central hub of physical pain.  Dulled vision, throbbing head, general confusion.  Things that make you really wonder if life isn't just some cruel Markov process, where the constant is pain. 

Now, I am no pessimist.  In fact, my friends have described me as the opposite.  I am passionate, lovable, funny, lazy, erratic, witty, etc.  I am a lot of things, but negative is not one of them.  So when I feel like this, I feel contrary to me.  I feel as if I am wrong and the things causing this pain are wrong.  And then I start to wonder, how can emotional pain, which is ephemeral at best, cause so much physical pain?  Sure, I know the mind/body connection is powerful, but why the fuck does it have to be that way?  I can't take an Advil for this.  I can't apply a tourniquet.  All I can do is bleed out and hope it doesn't take too long.